Love

Do you ever feel like you care/love "too much".

"I love too much" - isn't that a silly phrase?

But, sincerely, if you don't love too much, are you loving enough?

Masks

More formally known as facades.

Or is it - façades?

I think what really inspired this series of thoughts was a “one-night-Billy-Joel-binge”.  There is one song of his that I’m particularly attached to entitled “Stranger”.  I’m attached for a few reasons:

1)   There is whistling involved, and anyone that has lived with me even briefly knows how much I love to whistle

      2)    I associate Billy Joel very closely with my Dad, and I’m quite fond of my father

      3) The song has a solid beat supported by well thought-out lyrics, something I find lacking in a lot (though, certainly, not all) of today’s music

That being said, the opening line in this song is

“well we all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone is gone”.
(click here for a video of a live performance)

And, whenever I hear it, I think “HOW TRUE”

Think about this, do you act the same way around your co-workers that you would your grandparents?  What about the way you act around your friends compared to your teachers?

If they’re the same, then I congratulate you on either being a truly genuine or a truly foolish person.  You see, I think these faces serve a genuine purpose, otherwise we wouldn’t have developed them long ago.  I think they’re a protective and progressive maneuver. 

Let's throw ourselves into a hypothetical story.  Hypothetically, back in caveman days, a man was interested in a woman – so he acted like tough stuff.  He puffed out his chest, opened his mighty yawp and roared.  However, when the head of the clan walked by, the chest deflated and the submissive personality came out.  If the man had continued to act like “da bomb” in front of his superior, the superior would have felt challenged and would have thus initiated a fight between the two men.

The face of the tough guy got him the lady of his dreams and the submissive face kept him from getting his bum handed to him.  

In these instances, the facade is an alright thing.

But, I believe quite strongly that the various masks aren't always good.  Anytime that those faces cause you to wonder who are you, who you could be, and if you're being honest with yourself - the reality of those faces should come in to question.  When, at the end of the day, you're getting ready for bed, looking into the mirror as you brush your teeth, and ask yourself "Am I really okay with what's happening in my life?" - the question should give cause for a serious pause.

Because some masks are harder to take off than others, and the longer you leave them on, the harder they continue to be to take off.

Similarly, if these masks cause pain to another being, then they should be questioned.  If the reality of your in-genuine smile and interest in a person causes that person heartache, then your mask of a "kind hearted soul" isn't so kind hearted.  I saw this a lot (and, to be honest, acted this way) when I worked at The Coffee Shop.  At the end of the day, most of us were more interested in getting a tip from the customer than finding out how they actually were.  And, hey, if the customer didn't know that we didn't really care and weren't really listening, then what did it matter?

Bad, bad, bad.

And, to what should we blame feeling like it was necessary to act this way?  Contemporary expectations of how the service industry should act?  I'm realizing, more and more, that I would rather have a waiter/ess that is genuinely like "Man, today has been nuts, and I'm super tired, so please excuse me if I'm short with you" than "HEYYYYYYYYYYYYY! How're you?! OMG I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU."

To, again, quote "The Stranger":

 "it was then I felt the stranger kick me right between the eyes"

So what do we do?

I think there are a few things that can help us realize when we need to remove the mask:

1) Constant contemplation on how we feel our days and our lives are going.  If we're please with the way we feel life to be heading, then it's okay.  If we're a little upset with day to day life and the possibility of a future, then perhaps a new course of action should be taken

2) Constant contemplation of the sorts of masks we have. 

My most easily recognizable masks are:

teacher, girlfriend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, co-worker, student (of life, at this point), musician, writer, reader, critic, dog-owner

but there are finer ones that it took some contemplation to come up with:

music teacher (I'm realizing, very different from classroom teacher sometimes), coffee shop loiterer,  role model, social critic (this is a bad one some days, a good one others), dog owner, small female, individual with high standards for not only myself, but others (which leads into expectations, which can often lead into unnecessary disappointment)

To name a few....

3) Realization of our relationships and how they affect the way we act.  Are they causing us to form facades that are unhealthy?  Are they helping us remove facades?

So, when I have to be a friend, co-worker, and critique at the same time...sometimes there is tension.

I challenge you to make a list of your masks and then take note of the ones that can cause tension. Then take note of the ones that cause angst daily.....assess those.

I'll leave you with my favorite part of the lyrics to "The Stranger":

"Don't be afraid to try again, everyone goes south, every now and then.  You've done it, why can't someone else? You should know by now, you've been there yourself."

Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts and thanks for reading.

Best,

A

PS:  Does anyone else find it ironic/hilarious that the word facades itself has two spellings: facade and façades?

PSS: Check out my other blog, Hike the Crown, to read about one of my other masks: A girl attempting to Triple Crown in USA hiking!

Mindsquish

Well...to be honest...I didn't view myself ever saying what I'm about to type:

"I'm thinking about graduate school."

When I completed my degree at Augie, I was so ready to be done and never look back. I wanted to be a teacher, and have teacher problems and not worry about doing research and writing papers and grades and all of that stuff....unless it was my student's research/papers/grades.

But, what I'm realizing as I go day-to-day, is that I feel like I'm in a MINDsquish.

"MINDsquish" (as defined by myself): A state of mind wherein the inflicted feels their mind stretching and expanding unilaterally, but would rather feel it stretched in a more wholesome manner.  In this sense, the mind is expanding (hence the large font size for the word "Mind"), but the perspective is being shrunken or squished (hence the small font size for the word "Squish").

As I live in Bozeman, it was only natural for me to look into MSU - Bozeman's graduate schools.  As though designed by fate, there is a graduate program for K-12 Music Education Curriculum and Instruction...which is definitely something I would be interested in.

But, otherwise, life is going really well.  I apologize for the short post, but I need to do a little more lesson planning, gardening researching, and work on the Triple Crown blog.

Best,
A

Great Falls, MT

I am sitting in the hotel room in Great Falls, MT – where the MMEA Convention is being held for this year.  So far, it’s impressive.  They have a much longer and well supported history behind their Music Educator’s Association than South Dakota did…and it shows.  That’s not to say there’s a lack of passion in South Dakota, far from it. All I am saying is that there is clearly more support for music here outside of the schools than there was back home.  I guess, perhaps, having a Senator that is a former Music Educator helps a bit.

It’s interesting. Really. Watching all sorts of people around me.  I see the people who have been in the job for 5+ years and how they have all sorts of wrinkles…but mostly laugh lines forming around their faces.  Then I look at the college kids and the new teachers (1-2 years into the job) and I see a sort of arrogance about them.  I hope that I don’t portray that arrogance.  I’m realizing more and more as I sit and listen to people and observe people that I know pretty much nothing about my job. 

Perhaps I’m confusing arrogance and eagerness.  I simply get frustrated when someone says something in an open forum Q&A session, I have an answer that should put their question into new light for them (this was an instance of talking about P-Bones), and the girl didn’t really listen to what I said because I wasn’t speaking.  One of the most important ways we can learn from other people is by truly listening to what they’re saying and not assuming that they’re null and void simply because they aren’t the presenters.

Or maybe my headache is just making me crabby.  My welcome into Great Falls wasn’t welcoming at all. I was talking on the phone with Nathan, as he was giving me directions since my Garmin pooped out on me – and some lady pulls up next to me, lays on her horn and angrily mouths at me “YOU CAN’T TALK ON YOUR PHONE”. So I mouthed back, “I’M LOST.” She mouthed, “I DON’T CARE”.

So I raised my hand in anger at her. How dare she. How dare I respond in such a childish way. It’s not like she thought I was a local. I had SD plates.

Maybe she just hates South Dakotans.

And if she didn’t, she probably does now.

Way to represent.

But the teachers have been, on the whole, very welcoming, especially the older teachers. I’ve made a few contacts, but not many. I’ve definitely absorbed a lot of information and will be doing a bit of shopping tomorrow morning. 

There’s a concert in 45 minutes.  I’m currently in the debating stage of whether or not I want to go.  This headache is kicking my butt and I could really use the extra sleep/time to lesson plan/writing time/reading time/relaxation time.

But, as a friend of mine might say, HTFU. You only live once.

I’m just not that enthused, and generally, I know that when I’m not enthused about something, it’s best just to go to bed early. There’s another day tomorrow (hopefully), and I dare not waste it.

Best,

A

PS: Sorry this post didn’t have much substance. I just needed to vent. I’ll write something worth reading either later tonight or this weekend. I hope you all are well and I miss you dearly.

Happiness vs. Pleasure

I've recently begun reading "The Art of Happiness".

The book itself is a conglomeration of speeches the Dalai Lama has given, talks he has had with the books author (a Western psychologist), and the psychologist's thoughts on the question of "what makes people happy?".

While I'm not comfortable mind-vomiting at length on the topic, yet, I would like to pose the question to whomever comes across this blog:

What is the difference between happiness and pleasure, to you?  Is that difference important? Do you find yourself more often pursuing one over the other and do you think it has affected your overall outlook on life?

So far, I've come to believe that there is a great, and possibly grave, difference between happiness and pleasure. Too often I find myself thinking "Oh, that will make me happy", when really, it is a simple thing of pleasure. That extra delicious and gooey chocolate chip cookie that came out of the oven after I've already had 2....pleasure.  That expensive beer that I've been dying to try? Pleasure.

So what is happiness, then?

A friend of mine hypothesized something about this topic that I think could very well be true. Happiness isn't in the accomplishment, happiness is in the process. (Thanks Margaret, I'll tell you more in the letter back!)

I agree because of situations such as this: when I graduated from college, did it bring me "great happiness"? Honestly, no. When I graduated college I didn't feel much. What about the process of learning throughout high school and college? I look back on that, and when I was stretching my mind, that was a time that I was quite happy.

Margaret brought up the concept of cooking/baking food. She and I think similarly on this matter and both sincerely enjoy the process that goes into making the food, almost as much as we enjoy eating/tasting it!

When I examine my current career, I continue to think that this may be true.  I am happiest when I am in the process of teaching. My job is a very "do-ing" oriented job, and I think that's a great reason why I love it. I love watching and encouraging the process of learning amongst my students.  I also get great pleasure from their post-assessments and seeing how much they have learned, but not nearly as much as I get day-to-day.

I don't think that we can really recognize happiness until we look back on it. In the moment, I think it appears more as contentment and then people get afraid that they are settling.  Humans, for some odd reason, seem to love drama.  Humans tend to like to fight the Tao concept of Wu-wei.....and perhaps that's okay. Perhaps the process of fighting the status quo makes some people happy, but once the battle is over and they've made their point - do they continue to be satisfied?

Like I said, elementary brain goo.  Still working on it. Also working on getting ready for bed, good night!

Best,

Livin' La Vida Teacher

Well, I made it.
Phew.

When they say the learning curve your first year teaching is steep....they don't say how steep.  We're talking like 98% gradient. Straight. Up.

But it's good.
Well, it's getting good.

I'm new. The kids know that and they're testing me.  I also have very different expectations than the previous band director (or so I'm learning).

To date, I feel more comfortable with 2-8th graders than I thought I would.  Though I still struggle with the younger ages.  I didn't think I had to come down hard on the younger ages, but from what the experienced teachers are telling me, I do.

What else I've learned:
- What works for one class of 1st graders probably won't for the second. So always have about ten different activities in the back of your mind.
- Organization is key
- Communication is key
- Love your administrative assistants
-....and your maintenance man (my guy, Andy, is awesome)
- Don't take gruff from anyone
- Sometimes, those kids, they're just gonna cry. Let the tears flow. They won't screw around again after that.

But, as it is Saturday, and I sit at a local coffee shop (certainly not my favourite, but right now they boyfriend is employed here and got called in to work on his morning off wherein we were going to have a date with fresh, homemade caramel rolls.........long story...anyway, here I am) grading papers and doing some other "office type" work for class, I'm pretty darn happy.  I feel content.  I can remember being 9 years old and giving my younger brother "lessons" in math and reading and enjoying teaching him and grading him so much.  This is just like a "grown up" version of that.

The lady next to me just dropped an olive all down her front. Aww shucks woman. Your white shirt isn't so white anymore.

Sarcasm. Sorry.

In continuing with the verbal vomit, maybe I'll explain why I don't care for this particular coffee shop.
Croissants? Oh yea, $4-6 (and they're not nearly as good as QCB's in SF...thus, in my mind, they're not worth that much).
A Slice of Quiche? $6
1 Cup of Pour-Over Coffee (12oz) $2 (it's mediocre)
Pizza? $9-17 (it's not filling)

You get the idea. Not the quality nor the quantity deserved for what you're paying. (In my mind).

So who would pay that kind of money? The yuppies of Bozo.  I really have a hard time appreciating people who buy fancy things at expensive places just because they're perceived as "fancy" by the society.

The "I eat here because it makes me seem high class" mentality.

But maybe that's just because I believe in the "I eat here because the food is good, good for me, and it supports the local community" mentality.

And I'm bitter that the place called Nathan in to work when we were supposed to have a date morning.
Caramel rolls from scratch aren't easy, my friends. They're time consuming. And not fun to eat alone.

So.
Lesson for the week:
1) Caramel Roll dates are likely to be interrupted. Don't do 'em. Make the rolls for co-workers.
2) Puppies continue to kick butt (Koda is awesome and loving it out here).
3) Yuppies are Nopeys.
4) Kiddos grow on you. But some of them take a reallllly long time.

Montana

Just under 2 weeks ago (already 2 weeks, wow) I moved to Bozeman, Montana for a teaching job.

The first week I was here was spent with Nathan and Koda, getting to know the area.  I also spent that week at the school I'm working for.  I walked into a situation where the previous band director and I have completely different organizational styles, and so it seemed like there was a lot to do.  I spent most of those days cleaning, organizing, and trying to figure out what I was going to do.

Last week was all PIR days at the school.  Those involved a learning curve that was steeper than any of the mountains around here, meeting the staff (who all seem fantastic), and working on the classroom.  I feel so thankful to be at the school I am.  The Superintendent, the Principal, and all of the staff are exceptionally welcoming and supportive of the music program.  I feel so lucky.

My parents came up this weekend with a U-Haul full of stuff from South Dakota.  I'm not good with "Good-Bye's" in general. Normally I just get really awkward and walk away quickly. But, with parents, it's more a tear-jerker situation.  I love them and am so thankful for their support.

That's all I'm going to say, because words aren't going to do any justice.

Now, I'm sitting at Rockford Coffee with Nathan, writing a blog while I should work on lesson plans. Really, I'm just trying to process this entire transition. It's quite a lot.

Best,