ChildFree: A Teacher's Perspective

I think, this Christmas, I killed my Grandma's spirit.  We were all hanging around the kitchen table, conversing, and I got after her for spoiling my dog (seems silly, but I'd rather he wasn't taught that he could get whatever he wants, whenever he wants, just by begging).  Shortly after, she joined us at the table, still making comments about how I scolded her for spoiling my pooch, when she said it.  She said the one thing that I've never really wanted to talk with her (or any family, really) about.

"I'm sure going to have a hard time not spoiling my great-grandchildren."

I don't remember exactly what I responded with, as my blood was already up and I was getting nervous seeing this comment coming down the pipe about 200 yards away.  I believe my retort was something like "well, they won't be my children, so it shouldn't be a problem".

To which she responded:
"Why don't you want children? You've had such a good life!"

Thank God for my Aunt Julie who stepped to my aid and said, "What does her having a good life have to do with it?!"

That little bit from Julie gave me the time to quickly collect my thoughts and (carefully) respond, "The idea of women needing to have children is a societal expectation that I don't agree with.  Besides, I teach around 150 students a day, 8 hours a day, 4 days a week.......that's enough time for me."

As you are probably well aware, I am an educator.  More specifically, I am a music educator.  More specifically yet, I am a K-8 music educator, and the only one in the school district.  This means that, at some point, I have played a role in the life of every student in my district, all 300+ of them.

And I love my job.  I adore it.  It is the perfect place for me to be at this time in my life. My heart is full with my students, my friends, and my family.

And so is my time.

An average day looks something like this:
Wake up at 5:30am
Breakfast
Walk the dog from 6:30-7:30
Drive in to school and start working at 8am
Leave school at 4pm
Come home, walk Koda (the dog) from 4:15-5:30
Make dinner
Complete Graduate School work
Prepare for school the next day
Talk with friends/read for pleasure/watch a movie (if time allows)
Go to Bed (around 10)

I don't see any space for extra priorities/responsibilities in that time.

But, so far, these are all just external factors that influence part of my rational behind deciding not to have children.

The main reason, honestly, is just that I don't have any desire.  Some might say that I'm just "too selfish" or that "the Mommy feeling" will come soon enough.

I don't think I've ever had that "Mommy feeling".  I don't resent or regret that fact - it simply isn't there.  I love working with kids. I adore teaching them.  I find them inspiring, insightful, and honest.  I believe that they, truly, are going to be the future.  I want to help them become the best individuals they can possibly become.

But, when I go home at night, I want my silence and my peace.

I want to be able to plan things with friends for the weekend and not worry about the timeline.

I want to think about the future and be able to plan trips and excursions - something that is hard (note: not impossible, I'll admit) to do with a child.

I want to be selfish about what happens to my body.  Pregnancy and birth take a lot out of a women's system and do incur permanent changes to her physicality (both positive and negative).

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not at all ungrateful for what my Mom and Dad have given up and gone through to raise me.  They have made incredible sacrifices, and I am beyond thankful.  But, they both also had an innate desire to want to be parents.  My Mom had my name picked out for me before she had even met my Dad.

I have no such desire. I think listening to one's gut and realizing this lack of desire is really important.

And, honestly, I think I am a better teacher for acknowledging these aspects of my personality.  I appreciate my students so much more, knowing that I won't have a child waiting when I go home.  I become more carefree and creative with them, because I can draw from their energy and personalities.  I laugh more heartily, because I love all of them equally and because they are all so special to me.  They are, honestly, all my children, in a way.  And, I think any mother could agree, 300 children is enough, more may just be excessive.

Best,
A



A (somewhat) recent issue of Time Magazine came out exploring the idea of the "childfree" life.

Endemic Engagements

Before you chew me out about the title of the post, please understand, I don't have anything against the people getting engaged right now. It's just something that I've noticed.

What? You haven't noticed? Everyone seems to get engaged between the ages of 20-25. Okay, not everyone.  In fact, the majority of women (at least) do get married around that age. But that's changing. I think, perhaps, most of my friends and I are just part of the changing demographic.

You see, all of this was brought about by the ever popular, Facebook.  I'm guilty of having purely friendly acquaintances as "friends". Partially, because I forget that we made each other "friends" and partially because I suffer from this condition called curiosity.  Either way, recently I've seen multiple friendly acquaintances get engaged. I am excited for them. I am happy for them.  But I just don't understand.

You see, the average life expectancy continues to get longer. The data continues to show that people who marry later in their lives (late 20's and early 30's) tend to have happier, more stable marriages.  They also tend to think about divorce less.  In my mind, if I knew I was with "the one", I would have no problem putting off marriage indefinitely.  Increasingly so if it meant that the marriage was to be even more stable and happier if we waited longer.  I mean, if they are "the one" then where are they going?

(That being said, you have to believe in the concept of "the one" before any of what I just said is even viable.)

Perhaps it also helps that I'm not baby crazy. But that's for another entry.

In this past year, I have come to appreciate how rapidly and extensively a single person can grow and change.  If I look at the "me" from senior year of high school to the "me" from senior year of college, they were completely different beasts in many ways.  I like to think that most of the changes were for the better.  Here's the catch though: the people that I dated in high school have also changed extensively and I would find it hard to believe that we would be "romantically compatible" as we are now.  If you marry someone so young, especially while you continue to learn about yourself, I think you are risking:

1) Merging identities and forgetting who you (as an individual) are - a terrible situation to me

2) Risking the chance that you will want to change in some ways, but find those ways are unsupported by your partner

3) Never realize the future that was possible for you if you maintained an autonomous persona.

This doesn't mean stay out of relationships, obviously. I'd be a terrible hypocrite if I were to say that.  But, I do believe there is something in marriage that changes the very nature of the relationship in ways.  I also disagree with the mindset of "well, if we change and don't get along, we'll just get a divorce."

My biggest fear is that some sort of engagement endemic starts.  One friend gets engaged and then the others feel as though the need to do so as well, and quickly.  Oftentimes, I think that the vast amount of social media we have at hand causes us to feel pressured when we needn't be.  So, perhaps, before you start thinking about "when will I find my true love and get married and make babies and have a house with a white picket fence", you should think "am I aware enough of myself and what I want out of life to feel comfortable committing myself to another person through all the future changes that will happen, both good and bad".

Best,
A