Life Plans

Life plans.....which is really an oxymoron. It seems that every plan I make is usurped at some point, generally right before I'm supposed to reach the penultimate goal.


But that's okay.  I know that Buddhists really support being the the present, and that's something that I'm trying to work on (really, I am!).  For example, this morning when I was brushing my teeth, I took time to really realize how different parts of my body were feeling.  That toe I kicked into the wall a week ago?  Not as painful, but it's hard to put shoes on sometimes (especially my favorite tennis shoes).  My sinuses?  They feel like there's a balloon under them, slowly expanding (thanks to my students, I suspect).

It's a good way to get both outside of yourself and inside of yourself.  Outside of your ego and desire to plan and inside of your body and how you are really feeling.

Currently, my sinuses still feel like they're going to bust.

Even with that mindset, I can't help but get excited for the future....if all goes according to what I'd like to see happen.

I have applied to graduate school for next fall to get my Masters in K-12 Music Curriculum and Instruction.  I've been told that getting in to the graduate school here isn't difficult, and that I would probably get in...which is great!  The program should take about 5 semesters to complete, but if I did summers too, I could get it done quite a bit sooner.  So, let's just say that puts me another 2-3 years in Bozeman.

From there, I'd like to start looking at Doctoral programs around the nation.  I love Bozeman. It's a beautiful place to live. But I don't know that this is my forever place.  It could be, I could not be.  I'm not entirely sure.  But it's a great place for right now.  Hopefully I can get in to a good Doctoral program (meaning I need to work my ass off on my Masters) and start also teaching Undergraduate Education courses.  I think there's a big flaw in the education system today and a lot of it stems from not having a rigorous and involved Undergraduate Education degree requirement.  Not that all Education Programs are bad, that's not what I'm saying!  I'm saying that there is too much busy work and not enough synthesizing and higher level thinking going on in those classes.

From there, I want to do research in education (and thus, publish), teach, and hopefully start getting involved politically.  There are a lot of people that are making laws about education that have never been in a classroom...and there's something wrong with that.  We don't let people not involved in the military make decisions about military actions, why should we do so for education?  I'd love to be an advisor on educational policy and practice.

Oh...and somewhere in there, I'd love to invest some money into buying land (when I find my "forever" home) and start a small CSA/farm.  Hopefully, I could do it similar to what Dean at Three Hearts Farm is doing and invite local schools to come and learn about food and agriculture in an experiential way.  My students were out there yesterday and they absolutely loved it.  I think having that hands on experience is critical to developing a true understanding of the world around us (hence why I teach music).

But, as always, this is completely up to adjustment...it has to be.  There were no plans in there for my personal life, because, well...you just can't plan that.  It seems like every time you do, something happens and it just doesn't work.  I feel that, if I pursue my passions and interests, I'll probably meet someone along the way who feels similarly and perhaps it will work out.

And, if not....there's always Koda.

Life is full of surprises, and as long as one respects them and understands that they don't really have control over anything, I think life has the tendency towards beauty.

Best,

A

Distance

Sometimes I wish it were possible for the people I love to be nearer to me in the place that I love.

Which, I know, is totally selfish.  But I think they would love it too.

Moving places can be tough.  It's actually a lot tougher than I thought it would be.  And, perhaps, it's just because I'm in an apartment that doesn't feel like my own in a town that doesn't yet feel like my own.  I'm gradually making contacts, and I've even scored a part time job for the summer that should help keep me busy and meeting people.  It's just terribly easy to fall into the negative way of thinking - when it doesn't need to be that way....ya know?

But then you get in that mindset and suddenly you feel this giant existential crisis rear it's ugly face out at you and you wonder if you're even in the right place, doing the right job, living your life in the right way.

Or if you should just go back home and live in your parents' basement.

But, like my Dad reminds me, if I left, I may very well live the rest of my life asking "I wonder what would have been?".  It's far better for me to stay here, see what will be, work in a job I am happy with, earn a higher degree, and then decide what the right move might be.

Moving isn't easy.
But sometimes I think moving back would be just as hard as moving out here was/is.  Perhaps it's just a waiting game and eventually something will click.

Best,
A

Anticipation

Within a month (or just over), I will be closing on the condo.

I keep scheming ways to build a garden on the patio and all the different colors palettes I could use inside the condo.

My hobbies have been clearly defined :)

Rant

I am fully aware the a "proper" blog generally consists of short to mid-length entries covering one topic.

Well, call me improper.

I think this entire mind-melt started while talking with fellow teachers over some drinks tonight.  I firmly believe that teaching is one of the few professions that could potentially lead to alcoholism...if the people that did it weren't made of strong stock.  Most of us enjoy one drink a week....or more....but I think we have good reasoning.

You see, when you love the students you work for, you can't just "leave it at work".  It's not one of those jobs.  It is a job where, no matter how hard you try, you take something from it home.  Every. Single. Day.  Sometimes, it's great things.  For example, I've been talking with my 5th grade band students about how they should always produce a sound so pure and beautiful that they get a ring from the room.  Once a week, we work on making the room "sing" with a simple, balanced, Bb major triad.  Not hard for a trained musician, but it has been a steep learning curve for these kiddos.

Today, they did it on their first shot.  And not only that, but they went on to impress me with their phrasing and their musicality in the piece we're currently working on.

If I took moments like this home every day, I can't even create an analogy to talk about what I would do.

Some days, though, you're battling everything.  You have a Kindergartener that called another kid a "jerk" and then the other student cries....or bites the former student.  You have at least one 1st grader that is so ADHD and ED that they should be seeing a counselor, but Mom/Dad don't believe in it, so he goes untreated and hurts not only himself, but others as well.  You have some upper level elementary students who don't even know if their parents will be coming home tonight.  Heck, they don't even know who will be taking them home or where home is for that matter.  Then you've got an early Middle Schooler who gets picked on and, thus, upset to the point where they are pretending to gun down other students in the class.

And, you know what, those things would still be happening, even in a perfectly managed classroom (which mine is not, yet).

But you know what kills me the most?  That a lot of these behavioral issues can be traced back to one source.  That's right. The parents.

I am so lucky and blessed to have the parents that I do.  I realize that more and more every day when I see what some of my students have for home lives.  I cannot believe that we, as a nation, allow for this to exist.  That, in our fierce defense of "the pursuit of happiness", we focus so much on achieving our own happiness that we don't think about what the consequences of that happiness might be.  A woman who is addicted to various drugs, doesn't have a home, doesn't have a steady job, decides that one night of sex will make her happy.  She gets pregnant and has a baby.  Do you think she is really going to be so concerned about the happiness of that child that she is going to give up what she thought made her happy?

Remember, what you think makes you happy and what actually provides a source of happiness is vastly different.

I love my students. I would do anything for them. I will defend them to the end of the Earth and back if that's what it takes to ensure a positive future for them.  But there are some situations in which I simply cannot do anything. And it frustrates me.  The feeling of helplessness one feels when they go to bed, knowing that they have a safe place to sleep for the night and will have breakfast in the morning while they have multiple students out there who aren't going to bed well fed, with a safe place to sleep, and who have no idea what fate meets them tomorrow, is a complete one.

And yet, the most I can seemingly do for them every day during the week is give them structure, and attention, and rules, and expectations and let them know that I KNOW their life is a real shit pile right now, but that doesn't mean that they need to stay IN the shit.  I'm realizing more and more that, besides all of the things that I just listed, I have the grand duty of providing my students with a sense of hope for not only their immediate lives, but for their future.  I, and all of the other fantastic teachers at my school, have to prove to them that they need to have hope in themselves because WE have hope in them.

This world is a messed up place and, at the center of it, is today's youth.
How on Earth are we going to give them hope?

An Unnecessary Update

I'm at home.

I love being at home.

I love feeling comfortable saying that I have two homes.

At my Bozo home, I'm mostly anonymous.  I can hide away in a coffee shop and not worry about running into people and talking.  I can make meals when I want and how I want.  I have a few close friends and a job that I can pursue passionately.

At my SuFu home, I can choose locations based on the desired level of anonymity.  My Mom makes dinner as a special treat for me whilst I'm home, and they're always delicious.  I get to see friends that I've been missing, most often the scenario plays out like I've never left....which I love.

As I sit in a big, comfortable recliner and look out the sliding glass door to my parents' beautiful yard.  As I watch my dog nap in the sunlight after a full day of playing and getting muddy at the dog park.  As I giggle when my Dad's snore wakes both him and my dog up.
As all of these things happen - I feel so blessed and lucky.

So many changes have happened within the past 2 weeks, and I wasn't sure if they were the right choices and changes at the time,
but upon reflection and pulling myself away from the situations,
upon examining them externally,
I am happy with them.

Within a month I will live in a condo that I will be paying off.
My own place.
Within a few months, the herbs and vegetables I have planted will begin to sprout and produce vegetables.
Within those same few months, I can start getting on the bike again and hopefully begin biking to work.

The future is bright. I am so lucky.

Blurgh

I was stressed.
But my Dad is incredible and helpful and I am so thankful.

Thanks Daddyo.

A Mental Vaporization

As of last Tuesday, life has taken a topsy-turvy route.  Our landlord lost his job and, to compensate, is selling our apartment/condo.  Meaning, basically, we have to get out.  Combine that with some personal opinions and thoughts that needn't be discussed, I'm trying to figure out where to live.

Basically, I'm trying to find the money balance and decide whether or not it is wiser to continue to rent or if I should outright buy a condo.
Condo
Pros:
- Finally own some land (in this area, the price of a home and land is only going to increase) = good investment
- Have my own place that is closer to school (at least, the condos I'm looking at are closer) which would cut off some more travel time
- Be able to have a small porch garden
- Have some say on interior aesthetics (shallow, I know, but really important to me)
- Could collect rent for mortgage if I move for a new job

Cons:
- Mortgage, bank, accounting, bleh...stuff that I have very little knowledge of
- $$$
- SOL if some appliance in the condo breaks

Apartment
Pros:
- Little concern if something breaks - call the landlord and they fix it
- Increased mobility (if I want to move, I just move....sort of with a 6 mo. contract)

Cons:
- Rent disappears...aka: not investing
- Further away from school route (longer commute)
- Possibly noisy neighbors
- Have to work with a landlord

Add to that the following things:
- Graduate School (do or do not) for K-12 Music Education Curriculum and Instruction (a step that I need to do if I am to become a professor of education someday...the long term goal) at MSU.
Pros:
1) It puts my current loans on hold, so I won't have to pay them until I finish
2) I would move over a "lane" in the salary schedule (a pay raise)
3) I can finally feel like I'm starting to learn again (my brain feels stale)
4) I can get local tuition rates ($9,000) which is reasonable
5) It's online, which means I can work at my own rate
6) It would be a way to network with local teachers and suck their brains for information
7) It would add to my value at Monforton (making it worth their while to try and keep me)
8) It *should* make me more marketable (see Con #4)

Cons:
1) I would be accruing more debt...which should probably always be avoided (but, it pays off?)
2) I would have to work hard and be sure to maintain a solid GPA (no more sluffing off)
3) It would increase my work load to having things to do on the weekend and during the evenings in the weeks (decreased free time)
4) Some schools avoid people with M.Ed's because of the move over one salary lane....M.Ed's can be expensive people to hire depending upon the district

AND
Lander, Wyoming has a job opening. For all those education major out there, if you can find a location in WY that you love....try to get a job there!  The pay is outstanding (for educators), there is no income tax, and the property tax is low.

I'm not expecting an offer on the position.....it was only open for a week and a half, which makes me think that they have someone in mind and that they were just making the position available to follow protocol.  However, if they did offer, I would be conflicted.  I love the students, staff, administration and community I work with/for...but it's barely a livable wage and more or less will require a part time job somewhere in the future.  Lander, WY is similar to Bozeman, but much smaller (apx 7,000 pop) and more conservative.  They do have NOLS, which is something I've been interested in for a while.  The position is MS/HS Band...right up my alley.

Like I said, I'm conflicted.

But, the Pros/Cons list definitely helped (except for the Lander, WY situation...I don't know that it's possible to make a list like that when I don't know as much about the position as I would like to).  It's looking like maybe I should opt for Graduate school (if I can swing it) and the Condo.

Hey, thanks internet, for all your help.